What we think.
Theres a lot of opinion out there, a lot of advice, and a lot of mis-information.
So why would our’s be any different?
The simple fact is that it isn’t: it’s our opinion, our learning and our beliefs.
The difference – as far as we are concerned – is that it is:
- Backed up by scientific opinion and study as being a generally better and healthier way to be.
- That it is something we actively practice, because we’ve been in that dark place, and this is what we found helped us to recover.
- We’re not going to profit from you following this advice. Its freely given with no expectation of return.
- Nothing here is new, in-fact it’s all pretty old, basic, simple advice.
Our advice on our advice, is this: read it, consider it, and see how it fits you. Do some research and see what other qualified sources say on the subject. Try it for a while and see if it helps. Experiment.
And at the end of the day, if you are in any doubt or have any real worries, go and talk to your doctor or a professionally qualified counsellor.
The pressures on Modern Man
There is a constant pressure to be the ‘alpha male’, always joking, up for a laugh, successful, rugged, attractive to every woman and respected by every man. It’s exhausting.
It’s easy to suggest that you just don’t, that you just turn away from the constant demands to be just so, that you switch off the phone, television and radio, that you become pious and self-righteous by ignoring temptation and sacrificing everything. But that in’t modern life, not is it particularly inspiring, or even good for you.
We are surrounded by people and things that are constantly suggesting that life would be so much better if we conform. These are a few examples of those pressures: some link to blogs that go into more detail about the particular pressure, and give some ideas on how you might overcome them or turn them down, if they are a major impact on your life.
The World Wide Web
The Internet is arguably one of the greatest achievements of the modern world, virtually everything you had to once do in-person or on the telephone can now be down via smart-phone. It has allowed academics and activists around he world to communicate and collaborate outside of political constraints.
The challenge to the common man is that it encourages him to consume, provides information that is mostly not validated or impartial, and bombards him with advice and guidance on how he is supposed to be.
Social Media has done so much to bring distant family and friends together and allow communities to keep in touch, share ideas and change the world. But it’s dark side impacts on lives on a daily basis. From cyber-bullying to trolling, it allows nameless and faceless people to comment on and negatively affect their pinions of themselves. For the Common Man who experiences non elf these effects, there is still the constant pressure to be seen to be the perfect man, with the perfect family, friends and lifestyle.
There is no doubt that newspapers provide information and insight to the Modern Man, but concerns about honesty and bias have always been in question, at least for the national papers. As Mark Twain was reputed to say: “If you don’t read the newspaper then you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, then you are mis-informed”. Many of the tabloid newspapers strive to maintain outmoded gender and cultural stereotypes, and drive the political agenda in the interests of their owners.
It is good to be informed, and good to know your subject, in order to guide and inform others. But for the Modern Man, there is now so much information available than ever before, and no checks on it’s validity. that’s not to say that the authors of such information are going out of their way to lie – though many do for their own financial gain – they may genuinely believe such information. The challenge for the Modern Man is in passing this information on – as verbatim fact – and thereby spreading misinformation.
There are very few men that don’t have to work to pay the bills, and a good work ethic should be core to the Everyman’s way of life. But society drives Everyman to strive for promotion, resulting in longer hours, more responsibility. Men boast about their earnings, their seniority and the number of staff as if these are attributes of a good life. As the Dali Lama is quoted: “…he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present…”
Men’s magazines have changed a lot over the last ten years, moving from titles like Esquire and Playboy, to modern titles which seem to celebrate the worst of ‘laddish’ behaviour. Men’s health magazines spend many of their pages advertising products that will shape you into the ‘man you want to be’ and are littered with articles about achieving the perfect body in only six weeks. Impossible claims that leave the average man feeling disillusioned and unworthy. Most of the models that are held up as exemplars of the fit man can afford either the time or extensive cost to have a personal trainer with them on a daily basis, or are athletes as their profession, hardly something that Everyman can aspire to.
The media is full of stories about the scientists getting it wrong, or that its everyone else problem or that there’s nothing you can do. So Everyman does nothing, turns his back assuming that the next generation will pick up the problem, or a benevolent government will move us to a new planet
Not many years ago, it was standard practice for Everyman to have a toolkit and a rudimentary understanding of mechanics. He would readily take out a spanner and fix – or attempt to – whatever household item had failed. If he couldn’t then a call to the local trades would have the problem sorted. Nowadays with our modern manufacturing techniques and ‘built in obsolescence’ Everyman has virtually no chance to repair and instead has to replace everything. its got to the point where many of the trades have gone out of business as they cant repair these devices. This disposable aspect to society, and the constant advertising of products that make you and your life better, simply serve to reduce Everyman to an androgynous consumer of ‘stuff’, as yet another of the key skills of the true masculine has been removed from his repertoire.
There have always been celebrities and celebrity culture. Musicians, Actors and even Scientists like Albert Einstein were held in high regard as the best in their profession, entertaining and educating the world. Nowadays the ‘cult of celebrity’ has allowed everyone to become a celebrity, regardless of their abilities. The media pushes aside about suffering and injustice for more palatable ‘news’, and Everyman encourages and nurtures this by downloading their videos, liking their posts and generally consuming their banality.
The role of the Modern Man in the modern home has changed over the last generation. Gone are the days of coming home after a hard day’s work, to help with homework, fix the car and talk with his family. Nowadays, he has nothing to fix, as it’s irreparable or easier to buy a replacement on-line. Understanding how things work is irrelevant as he can never compete with Wikipedia or YouTube. He is constantly compared and contrasted in the survey results of Women’s magazines, and compared with ‘Ideal Man’ in the bedroom and the boardroom. He is expected to compete with his peers on the curricular achievements of his children, proximity to the best scools, holiday’s abroad, the car he provides his wife and the stuff he buys for his kids. Life for the family man is one of consumption and competition without purpose.
Pornography has long been a controversial topic, from the objectification of women and their potential abuse at the hands of their agents, through to the male need for diversity and pornography being a lesser evil to having an affair. The porn industry has moved from a relatively well regulated industry that published ‘top shelf’ magazines to today’s freely available, anything-goes content, with different producers going to ever greater extremes to attract viewers and subscriptions to their sites. the concept of ‘soft porn’ no longer exists, with the standard fair being abusive and degenerating content which ruins the lives of the men that view it as well as the stresses that film it.
The 'Alpha Male'
A Man’s Man used to be someone who was friendly, articulate, educated and generous to a fault. Someone who was a positive role model to other Men, acting in their true masculinity. He could change a car tyre, play the piano, charm the ladies and was always the Man to turn to in a crisis. Today’s Man’s Man is more about ego and conquest, success and ownership. Yesterday’s Man’s Man would step in to protect the smaller boy from the school bully, today’s Man’s Man was the school bully.
The habbits of a better Man
Below are a few of the very simple and positive things we can all do to change our situation, step outside of Modern Life and get perspective again. All of them take some effort, but then nothing in life worth doing is ever free.
These are the sort of things that will help Modern Man to be a Better Man, not a Perfect Man or and Ideal Man, but a Man who looks to do something every-day to improve himself and simply be better than he was yesterday.
The connection with exercise and the production of endorphins (the ‘neurotransmitters’ in the brain that increase our feelings of happiness and reduce the sensation of pain) has been known for a while now.
The simple act of going for a long, purposeful walk can lift the spirit and clear the mind. When the Modern World gets on top of us: just 30 minutes of exercise will make us feel much more able to cope, and there is good scientific information that 30 minutes of ‘strenuous’ exercise a day will go a long way to ensuring a long and healthy life, both physically and mentally.
Unfortunately, the low mood that can come with the pressure of modern life can make the thought of getting up and doing something strenuous feel like the last thing we would want to do, and it can take a lot of willpower to overcome that lethargy. There are many theories, courses and books on the subject, but ultimately it comes down to will-power and experience. When we get pleasure out of the exercise we do, we are much more likely to do it again.
Being in Nature
From a simple walk in your local park, to climbing a local hill or mountain, being in Nature is a great way to alleviate stress, away from the noise of Modern Life and out of range of a mobile signal. There are few places in the UK that that don’t have green spaces that you can get to with relative ease, especially on a bicycle. You can also take some time to study a local map, find a spot that is off the beaten track, away from housing estates and public parks, somewhere that you could make your own private place.
Working with your hands
There is something deeply rewarding for a Man in creating something with his hands. From building a brick wall to whittling a stick. All involve a level of concentration and dexterity that can push the Modern World to one side, and allow the mind to still. Assembling a piece of furniture without looking at the instructions is great mental exercise and gives an incredible sense of achievement when completed. Using a spade instead of a Rotavator, a paintbrush rather than a spray-gun, a hand-plane rather than it’s electrical cousin. All these put you more in touch with the material you are working with, and require more concentration and effort, again helping to free the mind to concentrate on the job in-hand.
Out in the elements
The British Weather is often used as an excuse to curtail some adventure into the wild, but for most British Men, the changeable and often wet weather should come as no surprise. The simple fact is that we are more than able to dress to accommodate bad weather: layered clothing and cheap, waterproof outer layers with a pair of waterproof boots or wellies give us all the protection we need in the UK. Being out in the elements offers solitude and a chance to feel nature at its most elemental, with the promise of a hot drink and a warm towel when you get back home.
Making a campfire
Creating your own camp, whether it is for just you, or with your family and friends is an art and a science. There are many aspects that should be considered to ensure that you are warm, dry and properly fed whilst in the wild. Most modern campsites have all the facilities on-site that means the most complex job is setting up the tent, but when you go to more wild campsites, or if you choose to ‘Wild Camp’ then a whole raft of considerations and skills come into play. Solo camping in the wild can be unnerving to the uninitiated man, but brings with it a huge sense of achievement and peace. In the UK, there are very few places where the worst weather conditions or local wildlife would threaten your life, but even so, sleeping alone in the wild is a challenge that very few men have undertaken, but one that we highly recommend.
Navigating with a map
The need for old-fashioned paper maps is falling into significant decline. Even the Ordinance Survey have all their maps available for use on smart-phones and tablets. These devices also have access to Google and Apple maps, all of which can direct you from point A to point B without even having to look at the screen. The result is that Modern Man has very little idea of the ‘lay of the land’ around them, and – should the battery in their device fail, they have very little idea of how to get home. Gone are the days when men would heatedly discuss the merits of the A47 over the A12 and little known rat-runs that avoid traffic jams. Getting a cheap compass and an old ‘OS Explorer’ map (mountains, forests and footpaths very rarely change over time) and setting off to explore a local area is challenging and rewarding, and will develop a skill which was once a core Man skill.
Learning a practical skill
There is nothing like learning a new skill to give you a sense of accomplishment, be it learning to play the guitar or master the fire-drill. Every time you try it you get a little better, to the point that you can share that skill with others and even pass that skill along. Mastering that skill takes patience and commitment. Making mistakes and learning from them is all part of the process, and can drive us to try harder, or to quit. When we feel overwhelmed with life the fear of failure can erode our self confidence, and make the choice to do nothing seem like the most logical path, but it is in this moment that perseverance can raise our spirits and change the status quo. By letting go of the things we cannot control to focus on the one thing – in that moment – that we know is simply a matter of perseverance and patience, we can accomplish a small step towards mastery, and the satisfaction that it brings. If you struggle to master a new skill on your own, then find other men that share the same desire, and learn together. Being with others and helping them to overcome the parts that once challenged you, and in-turn allowing yourself to be encouraged and guided by others.
Working as a volunteer might sound counter intuitive if you already have the pressures of Modern Life weighing you down, but making time to help a charity or community group can bring a real sense of achievement and self-worth you your life. The country is full of charitable organisations that are desperate fro an hour of your time, and would be overjoyed to have your support, and that support will be very gratefully received, never taking your offering for granted. The Modern World, the Media and our on-line lives conspire to negate the need for community, to the point where neighbours barely know each other, or care about each other any more. Working in community with other like-minded men serves to reestablish those connections and foster a real sense of connection that Modern Life is lacking.
Joining a men’s group
Men’s groups are seen by many as something of a taboo. Talking about ‘feelings’, or admitting you have a ‘problem’ can often feel like failure. If you do have addictions or mental health issues that are worrying you or affecting your life, then they may well be something that will benefit you in the long run, and talking to your GP is a good starting point. Men’s Groups also operate at a much less intense level, and aren’t necessarily based on a need to express emotions: from walking groups to restoration projects, many groups – specifically for men – exist and can be found on your local council website or in the library. Not all are exclusively for men, but many – because of their focus – will be mostly male. some will have a social aspect which may involve meeting at a local pub, but the men that meet there will meet to discuss the purpose of their group, rather than more trivial or less constructive things. For those men with a more spiritual or religious need, there are many groups of men that meet regularly to discuss their faith. One for the great benefits of Social Media and the Internet is that – no matter how obscure your interest or how far away you are from other men that share that interest, there will be a Facebook group that you can join.
Going 'radio silent'
The act of leaving the mobile phone at home for many is unthinkable. Being disconnected from the Internet and Social Media, not getting the news, texts from loved ones or from work. The fear that something might go wrong, or that we might miss out on something important keeps us connected. The constant weight of being there for everyone is exhausting and can create an unbearable stress which leaves you less able to cope, and more susceptible to the sort of stress that will take you offline for more than just a weekend. Unless you are waiting for a known event, such as a birth or death, the chance of something random and unforeseen happening that you absolutely have to be involved in is remote, and if your family and friends are aware of your absence, then they will no-doubt cope until your return. Setting your Out Of Office, posting your absence on Social Media, and changing your voice mail saying you are going off-air until a given future date will allow those that rely on you to make other plans and give you the uninterrupted space you need to disconnect from your pressures and recharge your batteries.
The average diet in the UK is not a healthy one. There are too many options for processed food which can be high in carbohydrates and bad fats. Fast food tends to be high in lots of things our bodies don’t need, and low in the things we do. If we don’t eat the right sort of food, we don’t have the energy to do the active things we need to stay healthy and mentally positive. if we go in to a a negative place, we either don’t want to eat, or binge eat on rubbish. this lowers the mood further and down the spiral goes. The other aspect to Diet is cooking. Many men either don’t know how to or don’t care to cook for themselves, thinking its either too difficult or too feminine in some way. Neither are true as some of the top chefs of the world will tell you. Granted it may take you a few years to earn your first Michelin Star, but there’s a lot of good cooking you can do between here and there. There will be a large number of local facilities that teach cookery from the most basic level upwards, alternately the web abounds with cookery courses, many free, from well known cooks such as Jamie Oliver and Delia Smith. you can practice with a sharp knife and a bag of vegetables in-front of YouTube with no-one being the wiser. And cooking is a great way to de-stress, take your mind of Modern Life, concentrate on making a meal and enjoying it.
There are two types of listening, Listening to Reply and Listening to comment. We all do the former, and need to practice saying the latter. Watch yourself next time you are having a conversation with someone. Are you only half listening to them, preparing what you’re going to say next in your head and waiting for the moment to jump in on the end of their sentence? Its a real challenge, especially in todays Modern World, where there is no time to think and consider a reply. Instant Messaging requires and Instant Reply. Social Media posts are shared and commented on after having only read the first sentence. If we take time to consider what is being said, the information that is being given, once that person has stopped talking, and we have fully processed what they have said, then we can give a considered response. When we spend time actively listening, and hearing what is being said, we are often less likely to say something thoughtless or stupid that will affect our own happiness.
Men are generally terrified of talking about stuff that is bothering them. Not football teams and car choices, but deeply personal stuff that is getting in the way of their life, or driving them towards ending it. As men, we really struggle with the idea of confiding in another man, because it makes us look weak, or we might damage the relationship with that person, or make a fool of ourselves. So we keep quiet, because society likes us to conform to the ‘Real Men don’t cry / discuss feelings’, and the pressure builds in us until something drastic happens. If something was deeply troubling you, such as loosing or gaining a faith, a change in your sexual persuasion or fidelity of you or your partner, who would you turn to who could simply listen to you without judgment? If we don’t have Men in our lives that we can talk to about anything that’s going wrong for us, then we bottle it up, and bad things happen.
The thinkings of Terry and Adrian
These blogs are a discussion on the things that we wonder about and that make us happy to ponder.